I Need A Dog
By Dr. William K. Larkin on February 6, 2012
I Need a Dog.
I Need a Man.
I Need a Woman.
BECAUSE I’M LONELY…
First of all, if you’re lonely, a dog might help more than a man or a woman. If you are willing to follow a dog around and pick up his poop, feed him, walk him, and cater to him or her, a dog will usually be loyal and give unconditional love. A cat is a possibility, but cats are “iffy” unless they decide they don’t want to be independent. If they decide to be independent, then clean up their fur, feed them, and pay for their food, litter, and empty the litter box, but don’t complain because you are still lonely.
There are a lot of wonderful uses for animals with lonely people who need companionship. But let’s dig a little deeper here into loneliness and offer more basic solutions.
I love animals, but I am not going to follow one around with a plastic bag and pick up their poop in order to have a relationship that cures my loneliness, especially not when they wake me up to take them out before I’m ready to get up, and whine until I do.
I AM A VEGAN BECAUSE I DETEST WHAT WE DO TO ANIMALS. I just don’t want to live with one to compensate for my loneliness. It’s not the solution I see to the problem.
The problem with loneliness is that we are missing “ourselves.” We are missing the parts of us that are within us that integrate and unite us with ourselves so that we love ourselves unconditionally. When we love the stranger within, there will be few strangers outside of us. Then we will attract to ourselves those people and those circumstances that also help fill that need. Loneliness is an “inside job,” and no amount of bridge clubs or group tour bus vacations will solve it. Nor will boyfriends or girlfriends do the job. A man or a woman will not solve your loneliness. If you use them for that, the other person will drive you to distraction. And you’ll end up praying for a little loneliness.
How does one find these “parts” that aren’t integrated?
This is the way we do it at the Applied Neuroscience Institute.
You have to know when you’re in an UpSpiral and a DownSpiral. You have to know the difference. Then you have to know what you are “thinking” and what you are “feeling,” and you need to know the difference.
You did want the answer to loneliness? Right?
Then let’s proceed.
You have to know what your strengths are. We show you what 10 of them are. Your strengths are your neuropathway “SuperHighways.” Use your strengths and you become happier. There is an absolute correlation between using your strengths and happiness. They are the way to the strongest Super “neurohighways” in your brain. You simply cannot use your strengths and remain lonely.
Then you learn to get into “flow,” which is another way of saying “one with the music.” No, you will probably not be watching CNN or 4 hours of television every night. You will, by using your strengths, learn how to get into “flow” and find your own kind of being “one with the music.”
But wait, we’re not finished. There’s more you say? Yes, there is more unless you are satisfied to walk a dog and pick up poop. And, you know, that might be part of your “flow” for the day, but it is not a cure for loneliness.
From there you find five goals that give you a sense of meaning and purpose, which will give you a sense of personal significance. Regardless of your age, you must have a meaning maker in your life that gives you a sense of personal significance. It’s always there to be found.
If you are so old that you don’t want any more goals, then walk the dog.
If you want to get over loneliness, then learn some new things.
We are here to help your loneliness. Do 3 things to get started.
1. Go our website at www.gotoani.com and search the many free resources there.
2. Sign up for our NeuroPositive Certificate Class. Experience the power of our work on a deep, personal level.
3. Call us at 760.636.1400 with your questions.
Continuing Education for Coaches
1) “When we love the stranger within, there will be few strangers outside of us.” How has your training at ANI moved you to a greater experience of this truth in your life? Tell us your story and describe the ANI tools you have used.
2) Working with clients or group members, what ANI tools have you found most powerful in addressing issues of loneliness and separation? What pieces of your training have you found most effective? Summarize your thoughts here.
3) Summarize your understanding of the relationship of strengths, flow, and FuturePac. What shifts have occurred over time in your written goals and action steps? How have these changes impacted your personal vision?
For Our Larger Blog Community
1) What strengths do you have which naturally support you in dealing with feelings of loneliness? Tells us what they are and how they have supported you.
2) How do you see having specific goals for yourself as a powerful means of attracting all that you want? How does the power of your focus on what you want help insure that what you want is on its way to you?
30 Comments
Mary Garvey Horst wrote on Tue Feb 7th, 3:29pm:
#1. “When we love the stranger within, there will be few strangers outside of us.” How has your training at ANI moved you to a greater experience of this truth in your life? Tell us your story & described the ANI tools that you have used.
I would have to say that two tools stand out most clearly in my mind with regard to “loving the stranger within.” Those two are: 1) Obtaining my Top 10 Strengths and 2) Writing “Post-it” Notes moving into goals, action steps, and the Vision for my life. After identifying my Top 10 Strengths and employing them daily in my life, I am able to come from a place of flow. When I encounter a possible challenge, I go to my strengths and ask which one(s) will assist me in creating a solution. Secondly, the invitation to write out my wants and desires on post-it notes (lots of post-it notes) assisted me in truly getting in touch with my inner stranger. What a freeing process! I no longer was trying to block, repress, or stifle myself. Once they’re out, they’re out and the sifting process can begin to explore what is that one hungers for in one’s life. It is amazing what begins to rise to the surface! For me, it created a new direction for my life.
I wanted to travel, to write a book, to move geographically, to create greater self-care in my life, and to transition in to a new way of working. With sincere gratitude, all of these things have happened in my life over the past three years. Today, I received a FB post in which a friend mirrored back to me that I “have changed again” when she viewed a more recent photo of me. There is no longer a stranger within and I gratefully accept all the good I have in my life now.
khalberg wrote on Wed Feb 8th, 2:08pm:
When we love the stranger within, there will be few strangers outside of us.” the power of Zeno Focus as it relates to this quote… How does “dense attention” create more powerful personal integration? Include a personal example from your experience to illustrate your point of view. As I continue to practice attention & focus on the US & ES scores, and what I want, it becomes more and more clear to me that this “side step” position I took a year ago (that brought me back to the place I love and to the family I love, which I hoped would bring joy) does not use my strengths (neither Clifton nor VIA) and makes it challenging to practice them joyfully. A little over a year ago, I was thriving in spirit and building my coaching practice slowly. A mere year later, it is a daily struggle to maintain my positive outlook. Working out in the emotional gym, noting my US, ES & most prevalent want (and using my lunch hour to walk in the wilderness I love) is helping regain the clarity I lost in the transition.
Gale STEWART wrote on Thu Feb 9th, 6:13pm:
I learned long ago that I don’t find fulfillment in anything or an person outside myself. Most of the the time I’m happy with myself for company. I have to force myself to go out. And I’m married. However, since I’ve become a minister I’ve experienced intense moments of loneliness. And those moments send me back into prayer and meditation. My number one strength is Spirituality, which I use on a daily basis. Spirituality, for me, is my connection with God and meditation takes me there. Spirituality also has caused me to see my connection with all people, at a cosmic level. My number two strength is Curiosity and I use that daily as well, in research for the book I’m writing and for my weekly sermons.
My understanding of Zeno Focus is that whatever is focused on will materialize. If I focus on being lonely, I all be lonelier. If I change my focus to things/projects that interest me, the feeling of loneliness will dissipate - and even disappear entirely.
Focusing on the Up Spiral and Down Spiral has increased my awareness of being able to stay in the UpSpiral. When I put my attention on the Emotional Gym, practicing pulsing Joy, Peace, Gratitude and Love, I can feel my entire body, as well as my mind, shift into a higher place. When I wake up each morning, my first thought is, “What is my Up Spiral today? Where do I want to spend this day?” Not long ago, my first thoughts were of the problems that I took to bed. Now, as I practice the Emotional Gym, focusing on where I want to be on the Up Spiral, I feel those problems slipping away.
I have lost my focus many times. I let outside events and people affect not just how I feel, but how I feel about myself. I realize that, though I thought I had done the work, there was some residual effect from old recordings. I am determined to change that and can feel this work already changing me.
Tracy wrote on Thu Feb 9th, 8:08pm:
My understanding of the issues in the blog is that we have a choice: we can choose to look for people or activities or objects outside ourselves to try to alleviate loneliness, but this ultimately leads to dissatisfaction. Or we can create happiness, through internal work in the Emotional Gym. Keeping our UpSpiral and Emotional Scale scores in the upspiral, we will experience an expansion, or a broadening of our personal and social resources. Barbara Fredrickson’s research concludes, “positive emotions build psychological resiliency and trigger upward spirals toward improved emotional well being”. Focusing on these scales also sets in motion the “undoing effect” which loosens the grip of a negative emotion on state of mind. Positive emotions keep us in the upspiral where we use our strengths, as opposed to the downspiral where we react from our weaknesses. We know that when we use our strengths we are happy, and as Dr. Larkin stated on the blog; “you simply cannot use your strengths and remain lonely”.
My first strength is “curiosity and interest in the world”. I am never happier than when I am exploring and learning something new. Last summer I went on an amazing vacation to Iceland. I went as a “single” with a married couple, so there were three of us on the trip with a guide. Was this a recipe for loneliness? Not for me. Every day was a new adventure as we explored unique aspects of the country. Each day I overflowed with enthusiasm and energy and playfulness. I came back from that trip invigorated with physical strength and emotional positivity. I had just spent 12 days reveling in my top strength – and had spent days in flow. There was no room for loneliness; my life was too full of wonderful gifts.
Medman wrote on Fri Feb 10th, 6:00am:
Well this is a good article because it gives us a chance to look into the mirror and see who do we see. When we are in the downspiral we attract others who are heading south and riding the same highway one sad story after the next until we have to get off of the highway of life. But on the other hand being alone is a time to look within and discover all of the inner magic. We have to know who we are to attract someone who is on that path. When we are lost and the next person is lost what is it that we truly seek to find. Confusion. I don’t think anyone likes to eat a piece of confused pie. I like apple that’s my favor. So we have to look inside and find our favor. What gives me that mmm? What makes my heart sing and what is it that I would Like to share with someone else? The upspiral and a set of goals and the action steps. Sounds like some training at ANI. We have to know who we are and what we are feeling to make those strong connections to others. To have someone who knows where they are going and here we are drifting alone would make no sense. The person with the direction after awhile of engaging in this great escape would find himself/herself singing the Pina Colada song. Planning an Escape.
Sheila ... wrote on Fri Feb 10th, 1:11pm:
This one was a little tricky for me to relate to 100%, as I think perhaps my pendulum tends to swing a tad far in the other direction, though admittedly, ‘center’ is a beautiful place to be!
While I may have occasionally experienced some passing lonely moments over the course of my lifetime, overall, I’ve always enjoyed my own company immensely. It seems to have begun as a kid when I recognized I had some (apparently ;-} odd interests that weren’t always shared by my classmates, so I just kind of created and joined the “Me, Myself & I” Club.
Although I’ve usually always had a best friend or two along with a ‘group’ I could relate to above & beyond family (especially as an adult—not so much as a kid), as much as I love people, major interaction has never been an ongoing requirement for my personal happiness, and, in fact, can prove to be a happiness-distraction depending upon the company one keeps and the flow & space-factors at hand.
I really DO love people and enjoy like-minded/hearted company and am always happy to see family & friends, but I can say with full confidence the following ... “I’ve rarely been bored a nano-second in my life as I find myself highly amusing!” Not to be confused with narcissism, rather, it’s just good old self-liking & appreciation ... I hope, anyway! ;-}
How do NeuroPositive tools factor into this? I think I go through phases with my people-interactions depending upon project-sequestering and such. After living a relatively solo existence the past few years in the boonies while birthing a few things, I now feel the need to more fully ‘engage & emerge’.
Thanks to the Emotional Scale and determining ‘wants’ each day, I was more in touch with feeling a greater desire and even a craving to share experiences & insights with others right now as long as I can maintain my ‘space’ to create & progress as desired & currently required ... nothing can get in the way of that and not a whole lot of compromise will be happenin’ there! (That hasn’t always been an easy thing for me to say or do, so I’m proud of myself with that one!)
UpSpiraling & attention to the Emotional Scale have also been helpful as I’ve ventured out a bit when a few old ‘fears’ have surfaced such as: “Will I be understood? Accepted? Is this the best investment of my time? Will I experience ‘hurt’ or ‘rejection’ within myself? Or ‘worse’ yet, apathy from another?”
When I experience these questions & their accompanying emotions emerging from childhood doings & my own innate make-up, I do my ‘peace pulsing’ first & foremost to allow the greatest possible access to the mind-space required to allay these concerns. Once in ‘sighhhh-mode’, my protocol is then to reason through such fears and do a release on them, followed by a ‘feeling commitment’ to my new direction along with the ‘Certitude move’ which I LOVE. I seem to come out on the other side of things feeling confidently A-ok. Actually only had to peace-pulse a few times with these ‘fears’, and then they stopped popping up.
I’m loving it all, and can’t wait for more ... thank you! ;-D
Gale STEWART wrote on Fri Feb 10th, 10:19pm:
“...Love ourselves unconditionally…”. Never having known unconditional love, except from my children, and then not so sure, and one friend…a ministerial colleague who is my soul sister…I’m not sure I can/have loved myself unconditionally. I know I’m my worst critic…well, maybe not. There are a few who are worse critics. But I love myself more and more. I love what I’ve accomplished academically in my life. And I’m produced four fantastic humans. Gotta love that! Dense attention…I know what that’s about. Giving my attention to something I love or want in such a way that nothing detracts. I give dense attention to preparing my sermons and researching for my book. When I play PacMan, I have to give dense attention, or the ghosts gobble me up! When I’m focused on something, I do not experience loneliness, or worry. Someone in class said that doing the emotional gym was “giving your mind a place to rest…”. That’s exactly what it feels like! Giving my mind a place to rest…pulsing peace, love, joy and gratitude, there is no room for any negative emotion! My mind feels the rest, and so does my body. I’ve added Certitude and can feel that in my body and mind as well! I am committed to this work! And I feel it affecting me in every way! Even my husband is noticing. Today he wanted to tell me something…a piece of his negative gossip…and I said, NO! I don’t want to hear it! He became very angry…but a couple of hours later, he said he noticed a difference in me and he honored my not wanting negativity in my awareness. He has made a commitment now, to stay on the Up Spiral along with me. Yay!!
Sheila ... wrote on Sat Feb 11th, 8:05am:
Gale, I really smiled & nodded when I read each of your posts, especially when you touched on ‘unconditional love’ and how you more fully arrived there.
I’ve always felt unconditionally loved by my Dad and, interestingly enough, by most of my teachers throughout life ... that was awesome! The only missing component in the ‘unconditional love’ department was my Mom’s love-expression & acceptance. Whatever toll that takes on one, it ‘took’.
The fallout? Regardless of nearly always enjoying my own company, I’ve also always tried a little too hard for ‘perfection’ and felt slightly ‘less-than’ if I didn’t achieve it, even ashamed! Eventually moved through & beyond that for the most part, but it was/is occasionally accompanied by self-doubt, which, if left unattended, can begin to tarnish or diminish our dreams & purposes.
So far, the handful of NeuroPositive techniques I’ve applied have really helped to ‘fill in the cracks’ in some of my erroneous self-perceptions that led to self-doubt, and I just don’t seem to give a rat’s booty anymore about some of the things that use to grate on me in that regard! And that’s just from applying the Emotional Gym, the US/ES scales, and our newest tool of ‘certitude’, with a greater application of Zeno Focus & dense attention to follow.
For me, I think the greatest single tool has been the ‘peace pulsing’ above and beyond all else, along with the ‘certitude-tracing’. After hearing a few here talk about nailing their strength aspects and what an amazing resource that’s been for them, I can’t wait to get there as the course continues!
Gale, what you said about your children helping you develop a greater sense of Self really hit home. My kids, without a doubt, have been my greatest teachers aside from my own inner voice. They modeled things at a very young age that I didn’t even have a clue about until I was an adult, and their modeling reinforced much within me. They taught me tons about self-assuredness by their own uber-confidence—confidence I myself didn’t always have and perhaps still don’t 100%!—but when I examined theirs it gave me ‘how to’ fodder for my own.
I’ve really enjoyed every post here, and I appreciate the openness & authenticity of our group as it makes for a comfy sharing space! Thank you all ... ;-}
Suzanne wrote on Sat Feb 11th, 1:24pm:
I rarely feel “lonely” but I do sometimes feel “isolated” and I am grateful for my strength of Spirituality and Faith to assist me in filling up and becoming more integrated.
I find that I can integrate all parts of me through pulsing the emotions of love, joy, peace and gratitude on a moment by moment basis - not just when a crisis arises. It IS an inside job and no animal, person or thing can do it for me. I check in throughout the day and asked myself “What’s my score?” It keeps ME responsible! My strength of Gratitude is so strong for the awareness of the UpSpiral and all that it implies!
In our UpSpiraLife group, we are re-reading the FuturePac chapter and I appreciate the reminder of the importance of goals in finding meaning and purpose in my life. Thank you ANI for tools of transformation.
Dr.A wrote on Sat Feb 11th, 5:43pm:
“The problem with loneliness is that we are missing “ourselves.” We are missing the parts of us that are within us that integrate and unite us with ourselves so that we love ourselves unconditionally. When we love the stranger within, there will be few strangers outside of us.”
_____________________
This blog strongly resonated with me, because during my childhood through early adulthood, I did feel very lonely. I think that these feelings of loneliness and sometimes not fitting in— (because my world view was so different from the view of my family and schoolmates…. and by this I mean that I was thinking more from the heart, and feeling differently spiritually than my Catholic upbringing.)—those feelings associated with loneliness, had a strong negative impact in my life, and especially my health.
To be able to reverse my symptoms of MS, I knew I had to look deep, and to stay focused on what I needed to do to correct my pattern of dis-ease and return to full health. Zeno Factor or “dense attention” is a big part of what helped me to get to the upspiral and stay there consistently. The more I focused and trained my brain to make positive changes, the better I felt and hence the higher I got in the upspiral. I do believe, that what we focus on, with dense attention (Zeno Factor), is what we do receive in return. It is the Law of Attraction , seen in a scientific way.
I focused and continue to focus on love, joy, peace and especially gratitude. I also have a big place for forgiveness. My journey began at age 22 with the first severe MS symptoms (although undiagnosed at the time), and since then and especially since my 30’s I have done enough work that I am able to stay in the up-spiral. Now at almost 55 I am grateful for dense attention, and for focusing on what I now know as the emotional gym.
neuromind wrote on Sun Feb 12th, 12:54am:
The issues presented in this blog that stand out to me are around loneliness, lack of self connection, and how we try to fill the void. Dr. Larkin gives examples of trying to fill the void with partners or pets, and mentions things like pet-pooh as the dreaded by-product of this external attempt to fill oneself.
So what might be the waste in my life? Perhaps when I am not connected with myself I waste precious life energy. I miss signals that tell me to slow down, or eat better, or breathe in a relaxed way. I’ve been too busy doing, not being. It’s time to connect with me. Who is the one who does the doing? Who am I?
A personal example: I recently finished a BIG project, and I focused a lot of energy on it. The project was a great success. I know this because people keep telling me how great it was, what a great job I did, and what a difference it made to so many people. That’s nice. Could I feel that? No. Could I take any personal credit for what I did to make it a success? No. What would it be like for me to really connect with that? A feeling of joy for a job well done? To feel good and celebrate the wins?
For so much of my life I’ve driven myself to the hit the goal and then I quickly move on to the next. “That’s nice, next” seems to be the mantra du jour. What would it be like to bring me online, to get out of the loop of doing, and to enjoy more BEING while I do whatever I do?
I keep returning to the idea of the ergotropic and trophotropic parts of the brain. For years I’ve lived in ergotropic-land. Land of getting it done; work, work, work. Now I am leaning towards trophotropic-land; land of feeling good, calm, and restored. I am working on shifting this in my life.
On this project I could see what I was doing and wanted to change the way I worked and how I live my life. I was looking for a structure or framework and the invitation to ANI training “showed up” on Christmas eve… what a great gift to me!
These tools are “getting in my head” and that’s exactly what I want. There are things I’ve known, but I wanted something that would actually make a meaningful shift/change the wiring in my brain. (Repeat, repeat, repeat, rewire.)
Using the ANI tools: I’ve been tracking my daily US/ES scores, going to the emotional gym, and experimenting with Zeno Focus (or the idea that what I focus on I lock in). On a regular basis when some “negative” event occurs, I’ll tune in and notice where I’m leaning. Am I thinking/feeling/believing something that jacks up my sympathetic nervous system or am I moving towards relief and activating the trophotropic parts of the brain? What do I want? Make that choice. Daily. Step by step.
When something happens (what could be perceived as a negative experience, or a negative thought, belief or feeling) I go to the gym and do reps. I’ve been pulsing PEACE and this week I experienced a sense of settling in, I felt a “click.” I am noticing I feel quieter on the inside. I think that’s pretty great considering so much of my life I’ve been on the go… me quiet my mind? Are you kidding me? Too much to do; playing in the fast lane.
These tools are supporting me in changing the way I do and experience life. That’s BIG. I know that by calming the body and mind we can actually think better, enhance performance, and have a healthier life. I have asked for this, and it’s time to get this learning in my body, into my cells. So, my blinker is on, I am changing lanes; I’ll try the middle lane. Thanks.
neuromind wrote on Sun Feb 12th, 1:07am:
I am appreciating Mary’s post.
Mary, I like how you’ve called out specific things that you did to help you along the way.
Reading this, it seems you are a bit further down the path. You’ve learned things, used the tools, and benefited. It’s very encouraging and motivating to me.
The message I get is “This is manageable.” I just need to keep at it, and the changes will happen over time. Thank you for sharing the HOW of your transforming.
Tracy wrote on Sun Feb 12th, 8:22am:
I resonated with so much each of you said! Gale—I wake up in the morning and my first thought is the same as yours! And what a joy it is when I start thinking of my “to do” list and then remember that I get to FOCUS on positivity instead! And, like Sheila and Gale, ever since I was a child I have enjoyed my own company and don’t experience aloneness as loneliness. When I was younger I was almost a “loner” by choice. Now, I mindfully seek out and maintain friendships and social connection, not to find the parts of myself that are missing, but because I can create joy and feel enriched by the relationships. And, I get great joy from using my top strength of curiosity while learning about others and simultaneously deepening my friendships .
Katherine wrote on Sun Feb 12th, 9:09am:
When I was a young married new mother a couple of decades ago I experienced loneliness within a relationship. I may not have been able to articulate the feeling back then the way I can today but I remember the feeling. During this time I had moved away from my family which were my core human connections and did not realize how this would impact my wellbeing under the circumstances. Clearly I was on a DownSpiral and love was the state of mind (SOM) in which I felt was lacking. I am fortunate that quickly I realized that my state of mind was in my control and took the necessary steps to correct the situation. From those difficult days I found that my happiness was not dependent on external circumstances. Doing the work in the Emotional Gym provides an opportunity for us to increase our positive state of mind and become less dependent on outside influences like having to find a lover or partner to make us happy. The concept of Zeno focus provides us with the ability to do the work daily that will lead to a Positive State of Mind the majority of our day decreasing the likelihood of experience loneliness.
Katherine wrote on Sun Feb 12th, 9:37am:
I appreciate what you wrote Tracy in paragraph two of your post. This is very insightful and indicates you have mastered the ability to look from within and not seek out others to ensure you enjoy life. For many singles you also have to be courageous given our society which tends to value married couples more (not always but just an observation for some). I have had friends who will not go to a movie by themselves because they feel others will think they are lonely and they do not have friends. Interesting how those of us taking this class can see that the opposite is likely the case. Having the experience of connections with others is important but the more we have a beautiful relationship with ourselves the more we can enjoy experiences that are not dependent on our relationships on those occasions that present themselves like your trip. Good for you.
Chelle wrote on Sun Feb 12th, 10:27am:
“The problem with loneliness is that we are missing ‘ourselves.’ We are missing the parts of us that are within us that integrate and unite us with ourselves so that we love ourselves unconditionally. When we love the stranger within, there will be few strangers outside of us.”
Part of the growing up experience, especially in the teen years, is a focused attention to self that is necessary to gain a self identity. And most of us learn that to successfully open the door to adulthood, this ‘self’ must be shared with others to form and perform adult roles and relationships. And oh how we share!
For me, all this requisite sharing of self to the varying roles of spouse, parent, boss, caretaker, friend, somewhere, somehow my ‘self’ became a blurry and blended stranger that startled me now and again with a vague sense of recognition; a stranger I chased with a futile sense of longing and loneliness.
And, so I sought to assuage this sense of loss and self critical distain of all my ‘self’ roles, with acquisitions of things or causes, or lovers, and even substances until after hitting rock bottom into a very dark night of life, this stranger stretched out a loving hand and said, “Michelle, the ‘who’ you’re missing is me and I am you!”
A ‘dense attention’ and committed focus to rediscovering and celebrating my strengths has become my customized definition of ‘Zeno Focus’. A focus that has and continues to allow a more healthy and positive integration and balance of the required sharing of self without ever allowing my core ‘self’ to become a stranger.
Chelle wrote on Sun Feb 12th, 11:00am:
I find myself nodding in recognition and/ appreciation of something in everyone’s posts! Gale, I like your summation of Zeno Focus, “My understanding of Zeno Focus is that whatever is focused on will materialize. If I focus on being lonely, I all be lonelier. If I change my focus to things/projects that interest me, the feeling of loneliness will dissipate - and even disappear entirely.” I had created a mental ‘exercise’ a couple years ago that I know realize is a version of Zeno Focus - I called it my ‘internal round table’ wherein I would ask a different ‘part’ of myself to take a seat at my internal office’ and then I would intently focus on what each ‘part’ of me had to say or wanted me to know’ I would then thank my ‘parts’ for their input and cooperation in guiding me -‘us’ - in the direction we needed to go, i.e health, prosperity, love, gratitude, belief, etc.
I much appreciate reading and learning from everyone’s interpretations and views.
jillangeldavis wrote on Sun Feb 12th, 4:45pm:
Chelle:
Your comment, “all this requisite sharing of self to the varying roles of spouse, parent, boss, caretaker, friend, somewhere, somehow my ‘self’ became a blurry and blended stranger” resonates with me for the times I have found myself in survival mode and inundated with losing myself in others. When I do come back to myself, it seems so hard to go down deep and find areas of certitude. I think that part of missing ourselves is not having a voice that says it is okay to want what we want. The roles our culture expects of women stretches us thin and we have to sometimes work hard to spend time with the stranger within and enjoy her company. I have learned to cherish the stranger within.
jillangeldavis wrote on Sun Feb 12th, 5:00pm:
Summarize your understanding of the issues presented in this blog and your work with the UpSpiral and Emotional Scale scores. I think I started this course with the worlds lowest US and ES score, but I have enough optimism to push through the resistance, and tell myself that there is nowhere to go but up. I love a map. The US and GS are internal GPS systems. I have had the opportunity to share this work already in a group, and I shared how a negative thought is just an opportunity to move to a positive, Of course this is in the context of the work. How does your Zeno Focus on these scales support you in moving to an experience of greater personal connectedness? What we focus on grows, personally, I have always believed in having a growing edge and being open, and I love teaching. This has been my zeno focus. That is what led me to this course, I have studied neuroscience, mindfulness, positive psychology and I am have followed energy medicine. When I am absorbed in these areas, it makes me come alive, and I come closer to knowing what I want to say with my life.
jlongo wrote on Sun Feb 12th, 6:29pm:
I struggled with putting my thoughts and feelings into the correct words this week. I couldn’t stop thinking about Zeno Focus! I’ve been lonely for years, despite having an amazing family, a wonderful relationship with my parents, beautiful and supportive friends, an extremely giving and loving husband and plenty more to be grateful for! I’ve just had this feeling of emptiness and disconnect. Then, as I was driving, it hit me. FOCUS!! That’s what I’ve been missing. Awareness of the UpSpiral and Emotional Scale helped me see that all this time that I’ve been missing who I “was” was fruitless. Truthfully, I don’t think I’ve had a clear picture of who I am for quite a while. Since I’ve been introduced to the US, ES and Emotional Gym I’ve literally had more focus. I can’t remember the last time I felt “empty”. Zeno Focus has helped me stay in the higher range of my UpSpiral. Three months ago I batted my eye at my husband asking if we could get a dog. Now, we are getting ready to move into our new home and honestly, I’ve got bigger goals.
jlongo wrote on Sun Feb 12th, 6:50pm:
In response to Gale STEWART: It’s always been so hard for me to remember and practice “Thoughts Become Things”. That’s why I’m enjoying the Emotional Gym. It’s hard to forget the positive things and apply them to my everyday life when I’m pulsing consistently. I also feel as if it’s taken me to a new spiritual level. The Emotional Gym helps me to connect on that cosmic level that you speak of. My heart, mind, and soul are open. I find that it’s also restoring my trust in God and the Universe. I appreciate your post, it’s nice to recognize and express what this is doing for my spirituality.
kaylie.prov wrote on Sun Feb 12th, 7:44pm:
Overall, the idea of the void is only a deception of the understanding of our own self and the reality we live in. By attempting to “fill a sense of loneliness” with others, we find ourselves depending on others to discover what we all need to recognize internally. When we appreciate ourselves and focus on strengths and positive factors, positive emotions will follow resulting in higher UpSpiral scores and emotional scores. When I was younger, a girl teased me about my singing ability and ever since, I developed a fear of displeasing others with my imperfect voice. Even with other’s constant encouragement, I ignored the fact that I had an absurd insecurity with unrealistic/pointless expectations. After singing aloud one day to myself, I realized how emotionally abusive I had been to my self and laughed it off. Although my stage fright lingers, a sense of shame and embarrassment has diminished.
kaylie.prov wrote on Sun Feb 12th, 7:45pm:
Response to Tracy:
I completely agree with your statement and the fact of the matter at hand is that loneliness occurs when one has a psychological misunderstanding of his/herself. I can relate to you on the idea that adventure, exploring, learning, opening up the mind, and exposing myself to new environments improves emotional health. “There is no room for loneliness” in any situation in life and this is a great quote that every person should live by. Loneliness is not defined as being a lone and I find that many people have this association.
Phillip wrote on Sun Feb 12th, 7:53pm:
As I discover and focus on my strengths vs. my weaknesses I will feel better about myself which will promote being and staying in an upspiral vs. a downspiral. As I learn to love myself (in spite of my weaknesses) I will feel more comfortable in my own skin. As I become more comfortable in my own skin I will become more comfortable and accepting of others. I will be less inclined to want to change them. I will more readily focus on their strengths vs. their weaknesses.
There have been times since I began doing this work that I have felt really, really good: enthusiastic, optimistic, etc. When feeling good, the 5 positive emotions I’ve been working on occur more naturally. When feeling good I’m much more in tune with my better self. Life is more enjoyable. At those times, I have not felt lonely even though I live alone. I have felt joy, peace, gratitude, etc. I have felt good about myself.
Dr.A wrote on Sun Feb 12th, 7:53pm:
Thank you All for the great posts. I wish I could respond to all! Katherine, it is true that many out there see people, especially women, who if they are alone at a movie or restaurant, they are thought of as being lonely. In the past, I felt I could not do either of the above alone. Now, I do it with confidence, and enjoy it very much. Don’t get me wrong, I love spending time with my partner, and with my son, family and friends… but sometimes I will figure out how to do things on my own, so I can have time with me! I used to feel I needed someone to be happy, to “complete me” as that movie said. Now, I no longer feel that loneliness. I have learned the difference between loneliness and Solitude. Solitude I like very much, and I know I need it at times to maintain my balance. Michelle… I also missed that stranger within for a very long time. It has been hard work the past several years to find myself. I have gotten to know “me” a little better every day. I know I am not perfect, and never will be… but I can be the BEst me possible. I am learning to like and love myself more each day, and grow with every breath I take, and with pulsing on love, peace, joy and GRATITUDE, which I now know as the Emotional Gym. I am also learning more about my strengths and to focus on them. I am thankful that I have had a guiding spirit helping me help myself, and also helping me find new paths to continue on my journey and to help others. Here I am with Dr. Larkin and Dr. Johnson and ALL of you as my teachers.. what more could I ask for?
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